Struggles and Blessings.

It has been 4 weeks. 4 weeks since I found out I would never get to hear Xavier's little cry or giggle, see his little smile, wipe his tears or look into his little eyes. 4 weeks since the longest day of my life.  4 weeks since I held my baby for the first and the last time. 4 weeks of tears, anger, bitterness, and confusion. There are days that seem to drag on forever, but the weeks all seem like a blur. For the most part I think I'm doing okay, finding strength through my faith, my family and my friends. The prayers, they carry me. The pain, it brings me to my knees. The memories, they haunt me. I can replay the whole day in my head like a movie that I cannot shut off. Part of me doesn't want to, most of me needs to. If I don't it will eat away at me. 4 weeks and the pain still lingers. It will for a long time, I know. The days, they get easier to get through. The tears, they still come at unexpected moments. The anger, it creeps in suddenly. Emotions, they overwhelm me constantly. Yet, part of me can't stop being thankful. Yes, at times I feel that I was robbed unjustly, but then I look at my family. Brian's strength, Malachi's energy and their unconditional love. Oh, the LOVE! Pain tugs at my heart daily, but the joy overflows. I am blessed beyond words!! One day I might find the right words to tell the whole story. I wish I knew the why, I wish I knew God's plan and that there is a happy ending, but I don't. I only know that God has plan and that He will use this for His greater purpose and for now, quite frankly, I find comfort in that.

"I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.  

I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too.  

I think of you in silence.  I often say your name.  

But all I have are memories and your picture in a frame. 

Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part.  

God has you in His keeping.  I have you in my heart. 

I shed tears for what might have been.  A million times I've cried. If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. 

In life I loved you dearly.  In death I love you still.  

In my heart you hold a place no one can ever fill.  

It broke my heart to lose you but you didn't go alone  

for part of me went with you, the day God took you home."

Sweet Innocence.

These last few weeks have been anything but easy, to say the least. I have good days scattered with "bad moments". I think I'm doing okay and then suddenly it will hit me. While here on earth I will never again hold my little boy. Ever. Yes, it makes me hold Malachi, and everyone I love, that much tighter for that much longer, so don't feel weird if i squeeze you just a little too tight. For the most part I can stay positive and rest knowing that Xavier and I will meet again, but sometimes it's just too hard to keep the tears from flowing. And that's okay. It has definitely made me reevaluate my life, the way I am living and what is really important. What is the legacy I want to leave?
Okay...honestly that's not really where I wanted this post to go...shoot! My whole point to writing this was to tell a cute little story about Kai and the sweet innocence of his toddlerhood!
Today I was trying to strap the hyper, can't sit still to save his life, never stops talking, almost 3 year old into his car seat so we could go to swimming lessons. Like every other time I've finally accomplished getting the kid strapped in, I gave him a kiss before shutting the door and climbing in to drive off. As we are backing down the driveway I asked Kai "do you know I love you?" Of course he gives me his cheesy grin before saying "YES Mommy!" Then I asked him, "do you know Jesus loves you?" He gave me a big shy smile and told me "Jesus playing with Xavier!" My sweet sweet boy it makes me smile knowing that you are listening, even though you do not fully understand. See, so though it has not been easy, there are some great moments during each day and it's those moments that get me through.
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Dear Malachi

I don't even know where to start. One day, I promise to explain all this to you in hopes that you'll understand, but for now we want you to know that Mommy and Daddy love you and are so very blessed to have you in our lives! We love you more than words can say! In some ways I wish you could understand all that is going on around you, but mostly I wish I could protect you from it. The pain, the tears, the stress, the disappointment, the anxiety, the hurt - I wish I could wrap it all up and keep it in a special place, a place where you would never have to see it, ever. Your little body isn't quite sure how to handle all of it, and it's making your tummy do some funny things. I am so sorry buddy! I pray daily that we can get back to "normal" for your sake. I know you see our pain through our tears, but more importantly I pray that you feel the love that Mommy and Daddy have for each other and for you. With every tear there is love, for you and for your little brother. One day you will get to meet him and he will love you soooo much! This morning when we were playing in the garage you saw some of Xavier's things and asked "when is Xavier going to be here"- it was heart wrenching trying to explain that he was was with Jesus. You saw my tears, you wiped my face and gave me the biggest hug. Buddy, you are so strong and so loving. You knew JUST what Mommy needed and I can't thank you enough for all the love you give me. You are an awesome big brother and an amazing son! I told you that Xavier got to play with Jesus and was looking down on us from the stars - you got the biggest smile on your face!! Malachi, we love you so very much and our hearts are so full! Mommy and Daddy thank God every day for you and we are so lucky to have you in our lives. Thank you for being one awesome little boy!!
We love you,
Mommy and Daddy

Tagging

I can already see Kai's future as a graffiti artist. No, not the kind that's in a gang and marks territories or anything. Actually I'm not even sure those "taggers" are real or if I've just learned that from the movies. Anyway, watch out NYC subway and abandoned buildings, this little ginger has...skill? Maybe. Clearly his parents do not (yep the 2 to Kai's left were done by us...)


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Healing.

It will come eventually. I keep telling myself this. I am literally on my knees every morning and every night begging the Lord to make the pain go away. I am torn between wanting all the memories, the little moments that continue to haunt me nightly, to be ripped from my brain, and yet wanting to keep them forever so I never forget. Emotions are powerful and confusing. My heart is so heavy and full of anger and confusion, constantly hurting and yet at the same time I am so thankful. I am blessed beyond measure with amazing family and friends whose prayers and love have undoubtedly lifted me up daily, a little boy who lights up my world and a husband whose faith, strength and love is unwavering. His words put my pain at ease, his touch lets me know it's going to be okay. He holds me until my tears are dry and rubs my head until I am sound asleep. He never lets go of my hand. He prays for our little family the moment he wakes up and the instant he sees the tears well up in my eyes. With time the pain will ease, the images will start to fade but the love we have for our little boy will never dim. His little face I will never forget, his perfect little hands I will never let go of. I will hold him close to my heart with every breath. I will miss him every minute of every day and find peace in the knowledge that he is safely with my Lord in heaven. Brian reminds me that this life is but a moment and that one day we will get to spend eternity with him. Until then the tears will fall and the healing will continue. I miss him so much.


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Cyclops.

Apparently Kai is horrified of him. The other day we were outside enjoy this gorgeous weather we've been having and Kai brought the chalk out. Nothing out of the ordinary really. We were coloring on the driveway, the walkway, the side of the house when Daddy had the idea to trace Kai on the wall. Great idea...but the tracing didn't end up so hot. Kai can't sit still to save his life so what was supposed to be him really looked like a blob. And it only gets worse. Kai asked me to draw a mouth, eyes, nose and ears. Well me, being completely distracted drew his mouth and went to draw his eyes...but was legit not paying attention because I put his "eye" completely smack dab in the middle of his head. No joke, as soon as I lifted the chalk up Kai started screaming and ran to Brian saying "I scared! I scared! I scaaaaaarrrrred!" He had a death grip on him. I felt horrible of course, so the only way to distract him was to let him get the hose out to wash down that crazy creepy cyclops. Annnnnd of course being the awesome parents that we are, Brian realized Kai has never seen Monsters Inc so he went out and rented it. Nothing like really freaking your kid out after he's already been terrified of a pathetic chalk drawing. Lord, forgive us, for we have probably really messed up our child.