The Name Game.

I must admit that I was going to write this post awhile ago, then I realized it was almost a year to the day that I had posted the same thing about Xavier. Seeing that made me a little emotional so I ditched the idea and wasn't going to write a name post at all. Then I thought that maybe I should. When I am old and senile and all I have left are my blog books to look at and read I will remember why we named baby JB what we did. In my senile years it will hopefully bring a smile to my face.

When we were naming Xavier we had a pretty hard time. We couldn't agree and went back and forth on different names. Even after we chose his name other names would always pop up and be a "contender" and we were never quite convinced that we wanted to name him that until a couple weeks before he was born. His middle name, Josiah, Brian kind of just let me have since I have always LOVED that name and he has never liked it. He never hated it, but he just didn't want to name Xavier that so we decided to use it as his middle name. I was content with that.

This time was a whole different story. When Brian and I found out we were pregnant at the end of October we were convinced it was a girl. Not to mention that I wanted a girl for the first time ever. And I mean EVER. Not because I really wanted a girl, but because I wanted this pregnancy completely different in every way shape and form. Pretty simple. We thought we had a girls name picked, which ended up changing multiple times before we found it was a boy. Honestly though, about 3 weeks before I went in for my ultrasound I told Brian it was a boy. I had an epiphany (in the shower if you must know). I have officially been right on every single pregnancy. Boom suckers. Anyway, though we went back and forth on our girls names, I was adamant that if it was a boy we name him Josiah. Like I said, I always LOVED that name, it was Xavier's middle name and it means "the Lord heals/saves"...perfect. Absolutely perfect in every measure of a name. Now, I wish I could tell you a whole lot about Josiah the king without looking it up in my Bible, but I can't. I honestly haven't done my research (minus the meaning), but I do know he was the King of Judah, son of Amon and became a king at a very young age. He was also considered a great king, from my understanding. With all that, Brian and I were happy with our choice.

From that point on, once we found out it was a boy (obviously), we started referring to him as baby JB or JB. We were hesitant to tell Malachi his name at first, though now that we've told him I'm not really sure why we waited for so long. Part of it was that he is still a little confused about Xavier (and in every sonogram would say "look there's my little brother Xavier!" - very upsetting, hard to explain and made my heart hurt for him) and I think part of me thought that if something did/does happen it would be easier on him if he didn't know his name. Annnnd if I'm being completely honest, I think if Kai started calling him by his name it would make it more real for me. Up to this point it was still easy for me to separate myself, protect myself from reality just in-case something did happen. I told myself it was to protect him, but in the end I think it was to guard myself. Anyway, at one point I told Brian that I had really started to like the name Jacoby. Without really knowing the meaning, Brian and I considered it...until I looked up what it meant - "the supplanter" aka the replacement. And with that Jacoby was tossed out the window. Not to mention I had this weird dream that I had gone into the hospital and asked where Josiah was in the nursery, which made it even more convincing that we were supposed to name him that. Crazy pregnancy dreams, I'm telling you...

So with all this said, this baby is officially named.

{For those interested Benjamin is his middle name. It is Brian's father's middle name. We did consider Douglas for about 2 seconds, Brian's middle name and his father's first name, but I am not a fan. Sorry boys...}

Anxiety. Plain and Simple.

At my last appointment I was 26 weeks. Everything is going well. Baby JB is doing great and I had gained 12lbs...which literally feels like maybe 2lbs of baby and 10lbs to my face. Seriously, I already feel like a whale, why oh why must I gain weight in my face. Oh well. I'll live with it. My doctor and I talked over everything. And when I say everything, I literally mean EVERYTHING. I had a list. Yep, I am "that" pregnant lady this time. I had about a zillion questions from induction to where Best Buy was (that was not on my list, just came up in conversation). At one point she even sat down, yep that's how long my appointment was and I seriously apologize to the rest of her patients as I know I made her behind schedule, but that's what makes her so great. She never once makes me feel rushed or like she's looking to get out of there - I like to think it's because I'm such great company, but I'm guessing that's not really the case. I also may take advantage of this a little...or maybe a lot. Anyway, we were on the topic of the induction "game plan" - which is pretty much "come in on June 18th and we'll induce you" - yep, quite the elaborate plan we have right now :) So during our little chat she is explaining lung development and how 37 weeks would be ideal for the baby so he (hopefully) wouldn't have to go to the NICU blah blah blah and at this point I was okay with the plan and listening to all her reasoning. Then she suddenly stops and says, "WAAAAAAIT! You delivered at 36 with Xavier? Oh this is a game changer" - naturally I am little taken aback thinking "why did she just use 'game changer' in regards to my delivery? Weirdo." Then she goes on to explain that maybe we could induce closer to 36 for my sanity and how we would have to do an amnio to check lung development, the risks of inducing closer to 36 weeks instead of 37. Now, if you have talked to me at all during this pregnancy you will know that I (in all honesty) have been doing fairly well mentally. That is definitely not to say I haven't had my meltdowns (at 9 weeks and 17 weeks to be exact) along with a few panic moments, but for the most part I really have been "stable"...or at least had the appearance of stability. So the whole time she is talking about inducing earlier I'm thinking "no no no no no no no" and eventually say, "well I would really just rather stick with the 37 week plan for now - I've been fairly at peace this whole pregnancy and I think I will be okay until 37 weeks..."

Now fast forward to Monday (April 8th) - the day of contractions and anxiety. The day that I debated on making the drive to Lubbock because I thought for sure I was having JB and the day that Satan laughed at me as I struggled to grasp onto truth and prayer got me nowhere. Ugh. What a day. And honestly, quite the horrid week. I could NOT snap out of it. It was straight up anxiety. I was having contractions, baby JB wasn't moving "as much" (which I'm thinking was more mental on my part) and I just could NOT find peace. I tried doing everything to distract me but I just kept getting pulled back into the cycle of fear, doubt and panic. I started googling "survival rates of a 27 week fetus" and "signs of pre-term labor", I text my doctor from Kansas City (who delivered Xavier) to see if I should go to the hospital, called my doctor's office to see if I should make the 2hr drive to Lubbock or if I should just go to our local L&D to see if I was having real contractions or Braxton Hicks. I mean, I was a hot mess. And because of all this, I have decided that if I have another episode, I'm just going straight to the hospital to get checked. Honestly, I think the reason I didn't go to begin with was fear of looking weak. So dumb. I mean seriously? Satan's good at the mind game, especially with a hormonal anxiety filled pregnant woman.

And now here I am, at 28 weeks feeling much better. I never did go to the hospital. The contractions (Braxton Hicks) eventually stopped, though I do still have them daily, baby JB is more active than ever and I pretty much told all those lies to shove it. Howevvvvvver, I have a whole new list of questions for my appointment tomorrow...most of which surround "can we induce at 36 weeks" and apologies for being so dang cocky at my last visit. I honestly thought I could and would be stronger as this pregnancy went along. And you know what, maybe the Lord will grant me a certain level of peace and the time gets closer, but until then I will talk about a possible earlier induction date. I think there are a couple factors, one being that Xavier's birthday is approaching. Though Brian and I have found peace about what has happened, it doesn't take all the pain away, and that is okay. I have learned that it is okay to grieve, and that grieving isn't just some overnight process. I will probably grieve in some ways about the loss of Xavier until the day we die. I will never forget that day. Ever. But we thank the Lord for a precious little angel and trust in His plan for our lives and our children's lives, however long or short they may be. So until baby JB is here, I will continue to pray for his health and safety and I trust that no matter what, I will be okay. But this doctor better be open to inducing closer to 36 weeks still or ELSE haha ;o)