The Throne.

No, no, no not the porcelain throne sickos. You see, we have this oversized chair in our living room which, since having JB, Brian has deemed "the throne" - my throne to be exact. And if I'm being honest, it's pretty accurate. Everything happens in this chair. It's where I enjoy my morning (afternoon and evening) coffee, do my meal planning, grocery lists, read my devotional, feed JB, get him dressed, change his diaper, burp him, snuggle him and where, at the end of the day, I typically pass out. It's like the perfect setup and definitely the perfect size. I'm pretty sure I'll never get rid of this throne and will definitely have to find a special place for it when the time comes to get a new living room set, though Brian might disagree :)

Zombie Mommy

Most people who will read this will probably be hearing this for the millionth time, but I am legit a zombie. I have literally been running on about 3 hours of "solid" sleep every night. And I swear that sweet little JB knows exactly when I lay may head down on any.single.pillow in the house because almost simultaneously he will start to cry. Seriously buddy, just 5 minutes, all I wanted was a quick 5 minute power nap. Ugh. But of course, such is life and this mommy is one tired zombified mommy. I guess 3 hours will be my new normal...at least until after our CO trip because when we get home from that it's on like Donkey Kong. It's a battle and I will win.

Anyway, I knew I hit a wall when the other night I fed Josiah, laid him down, said a quick prayer that he would sleep and then went to get some of my trusty friends...the nipple pads. I had hopes of maybe getting some sleep and didn't want to wake up to a milk-maid mess so the protection was definitely necessary. Just out of habit I grab my other little friend, the nipple cream. Ahhhh sweet relief. Except what is this tingling sensation? I don't remember this from...ever. Somehow my sleep deprived mind tells my sleep deprived body to turn on a light. Low and behold, that was not my trusty friend the nip cream, it was in fact...toothpaste. Nothing says relief like a minty fresh nipple. Refreshing.

Annnnnd with that I say to all, goodnight.

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JB - One Month.

Dear sweet little night owl Josiah,

Crazy. It's absolutely crazy. This has easily been the fastest month of my life...and yours! Mostly because our house has been pretty much a hotel since you came into the world (and before!) but also because I have been zombie mom for the last 4 weeks. Little man you have GOT to get your days and nights right. This whole sleep all day and party all night has to stop. And I know you're 100% Lohrey with that strong will of yours. Duuuude during the day we CANNOT keep you awake to save our lives. We have tried EVERYTHING! And I mean everything. I've stripped you down, I've given you baths, I've tried a cold cloth, I've tried I've cubes, I've even tried letting Kai play in your crib while you were napping. Nada. No chance if waking you up. When you want to sleep you just WILL NOT wake up. Good grief. It's an up-hill battle fo' sho. And you're just as stubborn when you want to be awake. You will fight sleep all night. But let me tell you, once you get your nights and days right, you will be a champ sleeper and this mama is PUMPED. Unfortunately even your pediatrician said I've tried everything and that you will eventually just get your schedule "right"...I'm skeptical.

Other than making your mom a complete zombie with horrid bags under her eyes, you are a peach. I could literally watch you sleep all day. Creepy, I know, but you're just so peacefully perfect and I cannot thank The Lord enough for the blessing He has given me. One day when you're much much older you will understand and I will tell you all about the number of prayers that went up for your safe arrival. You truly are a blessing and have already brought so much joy to our lives.

Now let me tell you about your older brother. Malachi absolutely ADORES you. He always asks about you and constantly checks on you to make sure you're okay. When we wake up in the morning (well, he wakes up because he actually slept) the first thing he asks is "Mommy how did my broffer sleep?" And the questions continue throughout the day. He immediately tells me you're hungry as soon as you start crying and the moment he sees spit-up he runs and wipes it. He does NOT like when you have a "yucky mouth" (that's what he calls it) Ohhhhh and its over if you poop. He wants you to have a new diaper, like yesterday. He is so sweet with you and loves you to pieces. He gives you a hug an kiss before all your naps and bedtime. If he goes anywhere without you he tells you he loves you and that he'll be right back. He'll also tell you "it's okay buddy" if you make any sort of noise and loves giving you your plug. Seriously, watching him with you melts my heart and I pray you guys have a great relationship when you get older.

As much as I love you you need to please stop peeing and pooping all over me. That...and I need to stop being so over confident that you won't pee or poop on me. But seriously, you pee on me at least once a day and have had 2 straight shot explosive poops right at me. Nothing like a good mustard seed bath from your bum. Nasty. Luckily you have the cutest little face and you are instantly forgiven. I'm guessing you'll use that precious little face to get away a whole lot, just like your brother. I can see you boys causing a lot of trouble in the near future!

Baby boy, you are so very special and there are a whole lot of people that love you. Now get your sleep schedule situated or your 2 month post is not going to be as glorifying :o) Love you nugget.

Love your one and only,
Mom

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Postpartum Pre-eclampsia

Yeah that was fun. Except it wasn't. Not fun at all. It was terrible. I legit thought I was going to die like Cybil in Downtown Abbey. As crazy as it sounds, I would literally keep myself awake as long as possible at night because I was convinced I was going to die in my sleep. It was pretty bad. Really bad. But don't worry, now I realize it really wasn't that big of a deal, but when you combine an ER visit with the possibility of hospitalization with a newborn and 3 year old at home PLUS all those postpartum hormones running rampant through your body you get one freaked out mama. Holy anxiety attacks. For realz.

So honestly, I think I knew somewhere deep in the back of my brain that you could get this "postpartum pre-eclampsia" but it never really crossed my mind that I would get it. I mean, less than 1% of pregnant women do so why would I be one of them? But then again, why wouldn't I be? Ohhhh that's right...I would. So my whole pregnancy was actually pretty smooth. No trouble with high blood pressure, absolutely no swelling (chunky, but not swollen) and no real issues or cause for concern. I mean, I had my weekly/bi-weekly testing because of my history, but nothing that would raise any red flags. After delivery I did have some swelling in my hands and legs, but the nurses wrote it off as my body just getting rid of that access fluid that I was retaining during my pregnancy. Made sense to me so I wrote it off and went on my merry way. Except a week later I was still swollen, which apparently is not normal. I wasn't terribly swollen, but enough that I could push my finger into my ankle and my print would stay. Gross. But other than that I really felt fine and had no other symptoms. Until I did. I started having these upper abdominal pains. They started off minor and then became extremely painful. My mom thought it might be gallstones since those can be common after pregnancy and we have family history. So after a quick call to my doctor's office to see what they recommended, (I had to leave a message) I popped a Zantac and a couple Tums and waited to feel better. Except I never did. Eventually the "cramps" got so painful that I was in tears on the phone with Brian asking him to take me to the ER. The Hobbs ER. You know it was bad if I ASKED to go the Hobbs ER. And seriously, not to pat myself on the back, but I'm not wimp when it comes to pain and I was literally in tears. Partially from the pain, partially from the hormones and mostly from the stress of having to leave my kids and thinking something terrible was going to happen. Pretty much a hot mess...minus the hot.

Brian comes home from the office and we drive to the good ole Hobbs ER. The whole 2 minute drive there I am literally in the mindset that I'm either going to die or I am just wasting time and money because they're going to tell me it's gallstones, to pop a couple more Tums and send me on my way. They call me into the back and check my vitals. WHAT THE...??? My blood pressure is 132/78, which really isn't terribly high, but considering when I was pregnant and in delivery the highest it ever got was about 120, so in the 130s was kind of high. The doc comes in and immediately tells me I have "PPPE". Brian and I immediately start to question (literally asking him a bunch of questions) everything he is saying. I mean, after all, we are in the HOBBS ER. Not very reliable in my book...or anyones book for that matter. Turns out this doctor is one of the good ones. After getting me all set up and getting tests started my doctor (my OB from Lubbock) called me, immediately asked to speak with the doctor and demanded that if scenario a, b or c were to occur I was to be immediately transferred to Lubbock...and he agreed. Plus, when Brian and I questioned him, he actually took the time to explain every little detail without showing one sign of frustration. Dr. Perales (my OB) even reassured me that he knew what he was doing and to call her if I had any concerns. Seriously I have the best doctors. Anyway, thankfully a, b or c didn't occur and they ran some tests, gave me some blood pressure meds and a diarrhetic and sent me on my way for the night.

Intermission: They gave me the diarrhetic to help flush out some of the water I had been retaining. I think I peed about 3 gallons in 3 hours. I kid you not. And no joke, in 24 hours I lost 10lbs in water weight. I wish that happened every day. Geesh it was amazing.

The next day Brian and I headed to Lubbock to meet up with Dr. Perales while the boys stayed at home with my mom. Dr. Perales wanted to re-run the tests to make sure I was on the down slide of PPPE and not getting worse. Plus she wanted to redo the ultrasound of my liver because she "doesn't trust small town hospital testing" - can't say I blame her. Thankfully everything looked great and I no longer had protein in my urine, which was a huge sigh if relief for me because that meant things were getting better. This is not to say that I didn't have some sort of big huge giant meltdown in her office admitting that I was convinced I was going to die, because I definitely did. Seriously, looking back I'm surprised she didn't have me committed because I'm sure I sounded like a complete psycho. She really is great though, listened to all my concerns and reassured me that though it is extremely rare all my labs looked good and that I was on the mend. She did offer to admit for observation if it would help me feel better, but I declined (to my own surprise).

So here I am today. Clearly I have yet to die and I am feeling much better. Thankfully I am over that big hormonal hump. I have been put on BP meds until my postpartum check-up just to keep things in check. She did give me a prescription for some anti-anxiety/depression meds just in case but I have yet to fill those and hopefully won't have to. I have had my share of anxiety attacks, but what I had with this has been by far the worst. Thankfully...and hopefully...all these shanannagins are over, but boy, this pregnancy was quite the trip. And worth every bit.

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Josiah Benjamin. The Delivery.

So Josiah Benjamin is here. Finally! And of course I am writing this post in a "fashinably late" form. That's just how I roll these days. What used to take me an hour to get ready, say for church, now takes me three. Not that I have actually been back to church yet. I know, such a sinner. My only excuse, and an extremely forgivable one at that, is that dear mister JB has his days and nights completely mixed up and so the idea of waking up and trying to be out the door by 8:45 makes me want to puke. Actually, thinking about it just makes my eyes extremely puffy from all the sleep deprevation. Okay, okay, I MAY be exaggerating a little...but really I'm not. I'm completely serious. I'm exhausted. I look like a zombie until about 2pm and even then I may look a little "off" - but hey, I got a newborn and yes, I will use that excuse until he turns one. Ha! But in all seriousness, and to get off my rambling about how fantastic I'm looking these days, I thought about sitting down to the write this post for the last 3 weeks. Yep, pretty much since the day I got home from the hospital. The thought of sitting down to write suuuuuch a loooong post made me cringe so I kept putting it off and putting it off until now. Now he is 3 weeks, almost 4 weeks old, and though I am still a sleepless zombie I have come to my senses and realized this actually won't be a long post at all. So here it goes...

Disclaimer: this is the abridged version. Kinda.

I was supposed to have an amnio on June 11th to see if little JB was ready to meet us. Amnio was cancelled because Dr. Atkinson couldn't find a "safe pocket" to test the amniotic fluid so I got to be put on bedrest in the hospital for a week. It was great fun. On June 17th I was transferred to Labor and Delivery. Woohoo, big day folks! That night they started me on Cervidil, which is pretty much this long string they shove up into your cooter box to help "rippen" your cervix. This all sounds great until the nurse explained it as a "$1,300 tea bag" - awesome. Anyway, they shoved that little sucker up there at about 9pm Monday night. That got to "marinate" (these are my words, not the nurses) for about 12hrs before they came in and started good ole Pitocin. Ahhh my friend. Let's get this party started RIIIIIGHT!?! So the Pitocin was flowing, I got my epidural and I rode that gravy train all the way until noon. Well, actually I rode it longer, but around noon Dr. Perales came to "check me out" and I still was only at about 4cm so we pretty much agreed that JB would not make his grand entrance until probably 5ish. I was kinda bummed, but took a nap and hung out. What else could I do? Nothing. I could do nothing. Around 2ish my Mom came in and just hung out with me and I started feeling the contractions and getting that urge to push. It actually came on me pretty quickly. I told my Mom and then called the nurse, Stacy. I literally told the nurse, "I am getting that 'I gotta poop' feeling" and she checked, looked at me calmly and said "whatever you do, don't push and don't laugh" and said I was completely dialated and ready to go. She then put my legs down and told me to keep them shut because I was so ready that she didn't want me to laugh the baby out (I was laughing at Brian because he kept making these wise remarks...typical) She called Dr. P, who made it over to the hospital in record time (I kid you not, I would have thought she was down the hall had she not said she was at her office.) Once Dr. Perales was there she took a look, told me I was definitely not having another ginger and with that next contraction I pushed. Badabing-badaboom I pushed twice and popped that sucker out! I literally pushed for 2 contractions and he made his way into the world, peeing all over everyone. Lovely. I immediately started crying and couldn't get enough of him. Instant love. So perfect. God is so good. We are so blessed. And boy oh boy was I relieved.

Josiah Benjamin. 2:45pm 6lbs 9oz - 19.5in long and one cute little nugget. He is one special blessing and looks a whole lot like his brothers, but even more like his Papa. Oh, and Kai is absolutely in love :)

Hospital Stay Day 2: GET ME OUT!!!

Okay, so day one was cake. Yes, I refer to cake a lot because I love it. I love cake. And day one was indeed, cake. Day two, yeah, not so much. It has been TERRIBLE! So, maybe not terrible as in you aren't fed, you have no running water and have an infected open wound with no medical treatment type of terrible, but when the doctors orders are "bed rest with bathroom privileges" it's pretty dreadful. Yes, I should be grateful because I know 3rd world countries don't even have hospitals, let alone bathrooms, but I'm going to be a little bit of a diva right now. And let's be honest, I really don't think my "diva-ness" is anything compared to other people, so just deal. But you know it's bad when you stand up and do the "mommy sway" for an hour watching TV, and then read standing up for another hour because that is just about all there is to do. Although, the nurse did tell me that her longest patient had to stay here, with strict bed rest for 4 months, so I guess a single week really isn't all too bad. Which makes me think I really shouldn't complain at all, so I won't. Instead I'm going to "give my insight" on how my hospital stay has been...and it is only day 2 and I'm ready to check myself out of this joint. This morning Brian even said, "you look like you've already been here a week..." Golly gee, thanks. I would say "he'll be sleeping on the couch for that comment," but since he's 6'5" and sleeping on a rock solid cot that his feet hang off of with a pathetic excuse of a pillow, I guess I'll cut him some slack. And he really has been a trooper, even though it's only day 2. Maybe I should wait and sing his praises after day 6 haha! But seriously, he's staying in a hospital for a week, when he could go home (I gave him permission) AND he's being an all-star dad (like always) since I literally cannot do anything with Kai except go explore the hospital, watch movies, color and take naps with him. And for a little 3 year old boy who only wants to run around, climb on everything and wrestle, the things Mommy can do with him just aren't cutting it. Daddy on the other hand is limitless! Brian even scoped out all the pools in the Lubbock area to find the best one! He's pretty awesome and is being super supportive. I mean, not to keep praising him, but he even offered to give me a pedicure since I can't leave to go get one. Though, I'm pretty sure his definition of pedicure and mine are MUCH different, but hey, it's the thought that counts. We'll see how it turns out :)

Amnio FAIL.

Sooooooo yesterday definitely did not go according to ANYTHING I had planned. Go figure. God has a sense of humor...I suppose :) I had an amnio scheduled for 9:30a with my high risk doctor, Dr. Atkinson, which of course did not happen until 10ish. Actually, the amnio testing did not happen at all. See, the plan was to do the amnio to test for lung maturity. If it came back positive, BAM, sent straight to labor and delivery for JB's official eviction notice (aka: Pitocin) and if it came back negative then sent straight to antepartum where I would be monitored for a week before being induced (without further testing) on Tuesday June 18th. So going into this I always knew there was a possibility of having to stay in the hospital for a week, but what I wasn't prepared for was for Dr. Atkinson to NOT do the test. Don't get me wrong, they did all the prep work and everything and then as soon as he found a little pocket of fluid to test the little squirt (JB) moved and took the spot away. This happened a couple times before Dr. Atkinson said "there is no reason to take any risk" and then gave me my "marching orders" and pretty much, what I realize now, was my prison sentence. Yes, at first I was disappointed. Not because I had to stay at the hospital, but because in my head I had my mind made up that I was having Josiah yesterday. I knew that's what was going to happen...until it didn't. It wasn't until after it didn't happen that I realized what a relief it was that it didn't. HA! I literally think I was convincing myself that I was going to have him because that was the route that scared me the most and I wanted to be prepared. Staying in the hospital getting tests done every 4-6hrs is cake compared to giving birth!! Hmmmm what's easier? To watch movies all day and twiddle your thumbs or push a baby out of your vagina? I'll take option 1, thanks. I mean, not really, but after all that has happened over the last year I think it made me finally realize how afraid I am. I'm scared to meet little Josiah, I'm scared of disappointment, I'm scared of hurt. This should be one of the happiest moments of my life, and yet, I'm fearful of it. Brian's grandmother sent me a text message (yes, she is in her 70s and texts almost weekly!) of Psalm 56:3, which says, "When I am afraid, I will trust You" and continues to encourage me by saying that "when the fear of the unknown attacks it is so good to repeat over and over" - how amazing is she. See, after Brian's mother was born, Gram Meline also had a stillborn and then had 3 more amazing daughters! She knows exactly how I'm feeling and clearly knew exactly what scripture I needed. Yes, I am afraid, yes I do not know what is ahead, but through it all I will trust the Lord. In my opinion there is really no other option. So until next Tuesday, I will sit in my little hospital prison cell and trust the Lord, enjoy these last few days with Malachi, Brian and my mom and HOPEFULLY get some rest, though when they wake you up at 4am for testing, that seems a little difficult. Good news is, they said they would get me some ambien if I so desired........tempting, very tempting.

The Name Game.

I must admit that I was going to write this post awhile ago, then I realized it was almost a year to the day that I had posted the same thing about Xavier. Seeing that made me a little emotional so I ditched the idea and wasn't going to write a name post at all. Then I thought that maybe I should. When I am old and senile and all I have left are my blog books to look at and read I will remember why we named baby JB what we did. In my senile years it will hopefully bring a smile to my face.

When we were naming Xavier we had a pretty hard time. We couldn't agree and went back and forth on different names. Even after we chose his name other names would always pop up and be a "contender" and we were never quite convinced that we wanted to name him that until a couple weeks before he was born. His middle name, Josiah, Brian kind of just let me have since I have always LOVED that name and he has never liked it. He never hated it, but he just didn't want to name Xavier that so we decided to use it as his middle name. I was content with that.

This time was a whole different story. When Brian and I found out we were pregnant at the end of October we were convinced it was a girl. Not to mention that I wanted a girl for the first time ever. And I mean EVER. Not because I really wanted a girl, but because I wanted this pregnancy completely different in every way shape and form. Pretty simple. We thought we had a girls name picked, which ended up changing multiple times before we found it was a boy. Honestly though, about 3 weeks before I went in for my ultrasound I told Brian it was a boy. I had an epiphany (in the shower if you must know). I have officially been right on every single pregnancy. Boom suckers. Anyway, though we went back and forth on our girls names, I was adamant that if it was a boy we name him Josiah. Like I said, I always LOVED that name, it was Xavier's middle name and it means "the Lord heals/saves"...perfect. Absolutely perfect in every measure of a name. Now, I wish I could tell you a whole lot about Josiah the king without looking it up in my Bible, but I can't. I honestly haven't done my research (minus the meaning), but I do know he was the King of Judah, son of Amon and became a king at a very young age. He was also considered a great king, from my understanding. With all that, Brian and I were happy with our choice.

From that point on, once we found out it was a boy (obviously), we started referring to him as baby JB or JB. We were hesitant to tell Malachi his name at first, though now that we've told him I'm not really sure why we waited for so long. Part of it was that he is still a little confused about Xavier (and in every sonogram would say "look there's my little brother Xavier!" - very upsetting, hard to explain and made my heart hurt for him) and I think part of me thought that if something did/does happen it would be easier on him if he didn't know his name. Annnnd if I'm being completely honest, I think if Kai started calling him by his name it would make it more real for me. Up to this point it was still easy for me to separate myself, protect myself from reality just in-case something did happen. I told myself it was to protect him, but in the end I think it was to guard myself. Anyway, at one point I told Brian that I had really started to like the name Jacoby. Without really knowing the meaning, Brian and I considered it...until I looked up what it meant - "the supplanter" aka the replacement. And with that Jacoby was tossed out the window. Not to mention I had this weird dream that I had gone into the hospital and asked where Josiah was in the nursery, which made it even more convincing that we were supposed to name him that. Crazy pregnancy dreams, I'm telling you...

So with all this said, this baby is officially named.

{For those interested Benjamin is his middle name. It is Brian's father's middle name. We did consider Douglas for about 2 seconds, Brian's middle name and his father's first name, but I am not a fan. Sorry boys...}

Anxiety. Plain and Simple.

At my last appointment I was 26 weeks. Everything is going well. Baby JB is doing great and I had gained 12lbs...which literally feels like maybe 2lbs of baby and 10lbs to my face. Seriously, I already feel like a whale, why oh why must I gain weight in my face. Oh well. I'll live with it. My doctor and I talked over everything. And when I say everything, I literally mean EVERYTHING. I had a list. Yep, I am "that" pregnant lady this time. I had about a zillion questions from induction to where Best Buy was (that was not on my list, just came up in conversation). At one point she even sat down, yep that's how long my appointment was and I seriously apologize to the rest of her patients as I know I made her behind schedule, but that's what makes her so great. She never once makes me feel rushed or like she's looking to get out of there - I like to think it's because I'm such great company, but I'm guessing that's not really the case. I also may take advantage of this a little...or maybe a lot. Anyway, we were on the topic of the induction "game plan" - which is pretty much "come in on June 18th and we'll induce you" - yep, quite the elaborate plan we have right now :) So during our little chat she is explaining lung development and how 37 weeks would be ideal for the baby so he (hopefully) wouldn't have to go to the NICU blah blah blah and at this point I was okay with the plan and listening to all her reasoning. Then she suddenly stops and says, "WAAAAAAIT! You delivered at 36 with Xavier? Oh this is a game changer" - naturally I am little taken aback thinking "why did she just use 'game changer' in regards to my delivery? Weirdo." Then she goes on to explain that maybe we could induce closer to 36 for my sanity and how we would have to do an amnio to check lung development, the risks of inducing closer to 36 weeks instead of 37. Now, if you have talked to me at all during this pregnancy you will know that I (in all honesty) have been doing fairly well mentally. That is definitely not to say I haven't had my meltdowns (at 9 weeks and 17 weeks to be exact) along with a few panic moments, but for the most part I really have been "stable"...or at least had the appearance of stability. So the whole time she is talking about inducing earlier I'm thinking "no no no no no no no" and eventually say, "well I would really just rather stick with the 37 week plan for now - I've been fairly at peace this whole pregnancy and I think I will be okay until 37 weeks..."

Now fast forward to Monday (April 8th) - the day of contractions and anxiety. The day that I debated on making the drive to Lubbock because I thought for sure I was having JB and the day that Satan laughed at me as I struggled to grasp onto truth and prayer got me nowhere. Ugh. What a day. And honestly, quite the horrid week. I could NOT snap out of it. It was straight up anxiety. I was having contractions, baby JB wasn't moving "as much" (which I'm thinking was more mental on my part) and I just could NOT find peace. I tried doing everything to distract me but I just kept getting pulled back into the cycle of fear, doubt and panic. I started googling "survival rates of a 27 week fetus" and "signs of pre-term labor", I text my doctor from Kansas City (who delivered Xavier) to see if I should go to the hospital, called my doctor's office to see if I should make the 2hr drive to Lubbock or if I should just go to our local L&D to see if I was having real contractions or Braxton Hicks. I mean, I was a hot mess. And because of all this, I have decided that if I have another episode, I'm just going straight to the hospital to get checked. Honestly, I think the reason I didn't go to begin with was fear of looking weak. So dumb. I mean seriously? Satan's good at the mind game, especially with a hormonal anxiety filled pregnant woman.

And now here I am, at 28 weeks feeling much better. I never did go to the hospital. The contractions (Braxton Hicks) eventually stopped, though I do still have them daily, baby JB is more active than ever and I pretty much told all those lies to shove it. Howevvvvvver, I have a whole new list of questions for my appointment tomorrow...most of which surround "can we induce at 36 weeks" and apologies for being so dang cocky at my last visit. I honestly thought I could and would be stronger as this pregnancy went along. And you know what, maybe the Lord will grant me a certain level of peace and the time gets closer, but until then I will talk about a possible earlier induction date. I think there are a couple factors, one being that Xavier's birthday is approaching. Though Brian and I have found peace about what has happened, it doesn't take all the pain away, and that is okay. I have learned that it is okay to grieve, and that grieving isn't just some overnight process. I will probably grieve in some ways about the loss of Xavier until the day we die. I will never forget that day. Ever. But we thank the Lord for a precious little angel and trust in His plan for our lives and our children's lives, however long or short they may be. So until baby JB is here, I will continue to pray for his health and safety and I trust that no matter what, I will be okay. But this doctor better be open to inducing closer to 36 weeks still or ELSE haha ;o)

Typical Male...

I don't even have the words...

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Region V Champions!!

Soooooo this is long overdue. I mean, not that long because it only happened last Saturday, but really I should have written about it before then. Why? Because it's a pretty big deal. I simply CANNOT begin to tell you how proud of Brian I am, nor can I begin to explain how truly lucky, fortunate and blessed we are. Coaching is never an easy job. It's crazy crazy hours of, well, babysitting. Making sure players get to their classes, get their homework done, stay eligible...then practice...then recruiting new players...meeting with other coaches. It's just crazy. And coaching at a Junior College level is even more crazy. Like, sometimes I think you have to be a little nuts and/or enjoy torture to be a coach. However, like I said, we are very blessed. The first year Brian and I were married he was a Grad Asst at Dallas Baptist University. That year was the first and only year they have made it to the regional tournament. And let me tell you, they showed up. At this tournament was also where Brian met Coach Anderson...who ended up giving Brian his first real coaching job the following year (the day after I had Malachi, no less). Brian coached under Coach A for the last 3 years, and 2 of those years they were MIAA Conference Champs. And then this year, his very first year with Coach Miller, they are Region V Champs...first time since 1996. I AM SO PROUD!! And along with all these "winning" blessings, Brian has been fortunate enough to work for AMAZING head coaches. I mean...A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! In a career where winning is everything, the amount of family time Brian has been able to have has been such a blessing. No, it's not as much as it would be if he worked a 9-5 but let's be honest, do those really even exist? HA! Yes, a lot of times he works from home, but he is typically home for dinner (albeit, a late one) and unless he's out of town for a game or recruiting he always helps put Kai to bed. I mean, in this crazy life of coaching, these last 4 years have been pretty dang awesome.

Anyway, enough about all that, what I really want to celebrate is NMJC winning their first Region V Title since 1996!! WOOOOHOOO!! Not going to lie, I cried. It was a crazy game of ups and downs, which it really has been for this team all year. Consistency has been a struggle, but in the end, after a big heart attack and what I thought for sure was going to send me into premature labor, we won by 1...from a single free throw. I mean, I know I'm biased, but the refs were totally blowing this game. I mean, the foul calls were 9-1 with a minute left in the game. The other team pretty much raped us and we got no calls. It was so frustrating. I'm not sure how the guys kept their cool because I wanted to knock the refs in the nuts. No joke. Finally with {I think} about 8 seconds left Desmond Lee drove into the bucket and got a blocking call. And I can't even lie when I say it could have easily been called a charge...and with the way the calls were going I'm surprised it wasn't. But he made one of the free throws annnnd the rest is history. We won. I cried. Brian cried. Doug tried really hard not to cry, but was pretty unsuccessful. It was AWESOME!

The thing is, most people don't understand the blood, sweat and tears that really go into coaching. I mean, really. These kids (at least the ones Brian is currently coaching) mostly come from a rough background and the amount of time coaches put into their lives is truly amazing. Coach Miller and Brian genuinely care about these guys and want nothing but the best for them. They bend over backwards day in and day out for these kids and to watch them grow and mature...and WIN...is truly a reward in itself. I am so proud of Brian and getting to see the rewards of his hard work is something I will never take lightly.

Onto the Sweet 16 baby!!!

Watch out Messi...

 ...or not. Yep, we signed Kai up for soccer. Not that we think he's going to be really be an amazing soccer player, but because kid's sports are fun and well, let's admit it, our lives already revolve around sports so it kinda just made sense. It was probably the cutest thing I have ever seen. And New Mexico soccer is pretty intense. No joke. Maybe it's just me, but Kai is 3 years old and playing on an offical New Mexico "U4" team, has practice twice a week and games on Saturdays. Seriously? A bunch of 3 and 4 year olds practice twice a week? That just made me chuckle. But hey, it's really the only thing Kai could sign up for at the moment and he seemed to have a lot of fun, so that's what really counts. At least he wasn't the kid on his team who sprinted off to the playground crying as soon as his grandpa put him down (yes there really was THAT kid on his team). Anyway, he's on the Stingrays and is reppin #6 -- not because we picked that number, but because it was the only XS jersey and all the parents agreed that Malachi was the smallest, which he is. What? We've been working on his weight and he is ALMOST 30lbs!! For us, that is big time! However, not only is he the smallest, but he is also the only ginger...and the only one who isn't bi-lingual. Sorry dude, we failed you in that department. Anyway, he had lots of fun and we are looking forward to our next practice on Wednesday and our very first game on Saturday!! Should be good laughs :)

35 Things

So if you know me then you know that I'm typically an open book. I really try to be as honest and open with my friends as possible and in a lot of ways expect the same. Sometimes it gets a little weird when one of my closest friends is, indeed, Brian's sister, but hey, we have our "boundaries" in certain areas haha! Anyway, this is not to say that I am completely open with any and all my friends or acquaintances, but if you're open with me, I'll be open with you and if you ask me a question I'm going to try my best to be completely honest...unless it's an emotional question...then sometimes I struggle to contain myself long enough to get out the full answer. Which, if you're really wanting to know the answer, you'll stick around for the blubbery answer in its entirety :) Anyway, with social media the way it is I really think there are a lot of people that I could honestly be really good friends with had our paths crossed at different times OR we lived in the same area. Living in the same area tends to be the kicker...or bummer. Thankfully there are plenty of people to make new friends with BUT I thought it would be fun to write a little post of things you may or may not know about me. Whether you're family, a good friend, one of the people that I think I would be good friends with OR just straight up stalking me and my family (hey, it's cool, I don't judge) here are some things you may not know...

In no particular order...pretty much as they just come to mind:

1. When I was younger I wanted to change my name to Kimberly. Not really sure why or if there was really ever a reason, but for a stint I legit wanted to change my name.

2. I hate earwax more than any other thing on the planet. I'd much rather deal with poop or vomit any day. Just writing about it makes me gag. Blech!

3. I bite my nails. It's a horrid habit, one which I quit for about a year before Brian and I got married. Apparently after we got married I let it all go out the window and picked up the biting again. It's not something I'm proud of.

4. I'm really not a fan of cooking. I mean, I make dinner and meals for my family out of "duty" but if we were millionaires I would definitely have a personal chef. I mean, don't get me wrong, I CAN cook (not like Top Chef cook, but it's all very edible), but it's really not my favorite thing.

5. I am not a drinker folks. Maybe those aren't the right words to use, but I don't like beer and I don't like wine. I'd much rather have a good margarita or daiquiri...or a sex on the beach (my all time favorite-the drink you perverts) AND I will have a glass of wine with good friends if the occasion arises, but I'm not a "wino"

6. I love diet coke. I know, it's horrible. However, I have not been indulging in this habit since I've been pregnant with baby JB. Be proud of me...I am!

7. When I am trying to fall asleep I rub my feet together. Someone compared it to a cricket, and I find that extremely accurate. It's also something I never noticed until Brian and I were married and he mentioned it. Kai does it too...weird.

8. Speaking of sleeping, I HAVE to sleep with the fan on. Not just the ceiling fan, but one of those big box fans (on the 2nd setting) - I never had to until we had Malachi. I think sleeping with the baby monitor on and with his fan going in his room really got me addicted because when we moved and got rid of the monitor I could not fall asleep to save my life. Got a fan and BOOM, problem solved

9. My "go to" fast food restaurant is Wendy's - spicy chicken sandwich, no mayo. It probably would be Chick-fil-a but we haven't lived in a town with one of those since before Kai soooooo...Wendy's it is.

10. I hate ketchup and mayo. Nasty vomit nasty. I prefer mustard...and when I was pregnant with Xavier I put mustard on everything. You can judge me for that one because even now that grosses me out.

11. I never wash my face before bed. I think it all started because of swimming and my face would always be so dry, especially in college (hello Colorado is dry!) and so after practice when the chlorine would suck every bit of moisture from my skin, I'd slap on lotion and call it good.

12. I do a load of laundry every day. Despite the many attempts to pick up good house cleaning habits this is one that has stuck. Whether they get folded and put away that day or the next day...that's another story, but they do get washed and dried.

13. Brian and I met in an English composition class our freshman year. I was paired up with him (lucky me!!) to correct grammar...he had written a whole page without any punctuation. Not a single period, comma...nothing. His mom admits that grammar has never been his strong point :)

14. I cannot run to save my life. I mean, I do it because it's healthy, not because I'm good at it or because I like it. I'm pretty much like a flopping fish. It's the effort that counts right?!

15. I'm pretty insecure about my self image. Brian and I have had many discussions/arguments regarding this and it's just something I've always struggled with. I seriously think I'll be 80 years old and still struggling with it. Something I pray about daily.

16. I would definitely get plastic surgery. I mean, I probably never will BUT if I had the change I probably would. See #15

17. I enjoy reading but I definitely go through phases. I read a devotional type book almost every day, but reading for pleasure is either a hit or miss. There will be months that I read what seems like a million books and months that I might read one.

18. I have a horrid temper. Well, that's kind of a lie. I used to...like WOAH bad. I think Brian would agree that it has gotten a million times better, especially since we've had Kai. When we were first married we got in a fight (over who knows what) and I got so mad that I punched the wall and went to sleep in the car. Yeah, not a great moment in my life.

19. My biggest fear is probably drowning. I know...I'm a swimmer right? No, not right. I was a swimmer and can handle my own, obviously, but I also know that feeling of struggling for a breath and the claustrophobic-ness of it. Gives me chills. Yuck.

20. Of all the places we've moved, I've hated every one until we had to leave.

21. Related to the last "confession" - New Mexico has felt like home the quickest. I honestly think it's because of finding a church home. We never really found one in MO or TX

22. I don't think I've "done" my hair since last August for the athletic auction. I usually let my hair dry on it's own and I've always been a pony-tail, hair in a bun type of person. I've tried to change this, along with my "personal style" issues, but it hasn't stuck.

23. I want a maid. Don't we all? But seriously, I would love to have a maid come in like every other week and do all the things I despise doing...pretty much cleaning the bathrooms.

24. I am a doodler. Is that a word? If I have a pen and a piece of paper I am doodling. Always have.

25. I'm a list maker and still do it with a pen and paper. None of these app crap businesses. I'm old school haha :)

26. I still have my wisdom teeth.

27. I have never had braces (or any orthodontic work done), but would like to get them.

28. I love music. All music, any music. I like it.

29. I think I could be really good friends with Meryl Streep and Ellen. In fact, I am pretty sure Ellen stole a lot of my dance moves. Not even lying...

30. I enjoy sarcasm and have been known to be pretty sarcastic. Brian is not sarcastic at all and that is weird to me :)

31. I always thought I wanted to work with kids, but the older I get I realize I'm better with older people...not like my age older, but the elderly. It's probably because they understand my sarcasm :)

32. I hate movies about sports and despise 'Rudy' - yuck. The only acceptable sports movie is 'The Miracle'

33. I take lots and lots of pictures. Always. I take my camera everywhere...and not just my camera phone.

34. I am not a jealous person. I used to be, but have gotten a lot better. The only thing I really struggle with as far as jealousy goes is when people live close to family. Do you know how well you guys have it?! I mean, seriously...I want to punch you people in the face. Not really, but kinda.

35. Pizza is my favorite food. I could eat a lot of things often, but I could seriously eat pizza every day.

I'm sure there are plenty more to tell everyone about, but those were the ones that came to mind as I was typing. I know there are some things that I listed that some of you already knew, but it was fun just the same :)

This Time Around...

So I may have taken yet another hiatus from blogging. But...let me explain. I'm pregnant! I know, I know, I announced this weeks ago, but this pregnancy has had me hovering over the ever-so-lovely porcelain bowl. Okay, I may be getting a little dramatic as it really wasn't too bad, but compared to Malachi and Xavier, this one has been on the "rougher" side. Exhausted, puking probably every other day and feeling oh so nauseous 24/7 - it's been lovely, to say the least. Thankfully, most of that has passed and I'm only feeling nauseous at night due to my ever so desirable pre-natal vitamins. Oh what a joy those are to take. I admit, some of that is mental, but most of it is all physical. Gross. Now that I'm feeling better, I'm not making any promises that my blogging will pick up once again, but I am going to make a valid effort. We'll see how that goes.

As I said this pregnancy has been completely different. Most people have said that it's probably because I'm having a girl (a girl? what in the world do I do with a baby girl?), but I think it's a boy (wishful thinking) annnnd am partially convinced that my sickness is due to the fact that I was pregnant not so long ago. That can happen...right? Anyway, we MIGHT be able to find out what we are having Monday, but seeing as I'll only be 15 weeks, it still might be just a little early. Either way, as long as this baby is good and healthy, I'll be happy. When we first found out I was pregnant I was convinced that I didn't want to find out what I was having until I popped that sucker out, but now I'm pretty sure I want to find out...partially because I think it will help me love this baby more. I know that sounds harsh, but honestly, I think I haven't allowed myself to enjoy this pregnancy in a lot of ways. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited and feel so incredibly blessed, but part of me (okay, a lot of my heart) is still at a distance. It sounds silly, but I'm trying to protect myself and not "love" this baby yet, which in all reality is quite ridiculous, I know. I mean, I talk myself through this almost daily and know how crazy it sounds because even if something happens, I know I'll be JUST as devistated. This is where I lack faith-where I really struggle. And yet, I say this and how I'm trying not to get attached yet, but we already have names picked. Let's just say this pregnancy has been hard. It has challenged me daily and definitely shown me where I lack strength. At around 9 weeks I had a major melt down. Well not "major", but I was freaking out. What if something happens, what if the same thing happens and I was honestly praying that if anything is wrong to just let me have a miscarriage. I was mentally prepared. In some ways I almost convinced myself I was having a miscarriage. It was horrid, really. I know, sad. Almost pathetic really. Thankfully Brian has had strength where I have lacked. He just simply said, "Lyndsey, we have been through the hardest thing of our lives already. We survived. There is literally NOTHING you can do but take care of yourself and trust in the Lord. If something happens again, we'll get through it, just like last time. You are not in this alone." Amen, right? After that I have literally been a million times better. I mean, that is NOT to say that I'm completely happy go lucky like I typically am, but he is right. I am not in control. I cannot do a single thing but take care of myself and pray. Lots and lots of praying. And I have come to the conclusion that thankfully, I don't have to be in control. I think I would be a lot more stressed if I was the one who had to do God's job. YIKES. Talk about epic fail.

Needless to say, this journey has been different and I'm sure as I get further along it will only get harder. I will not be at ease until I have this little baby in my arms and even then, are mothers really EVER completely at ease. I know I'm not, but I really do try. And I rest in the fact that one day, whenever that day may be, I will get to see Xavier again. Praise the Lord! Until then, I am going to try and enjoy this whole journey, the rest of this pregnancy and motherhood in general. After all, it really is the greatest gift and the most amazing adventure. Ups and downs, I'd do it all again.