So I may have taken yet another hiatus from blogging. But...let me explain. I'm pregnant! I know, I know, I announced this weeks ago, but this pregnancy has had me hovering over the ever-so-lovely porcelain bowl. Okay, I may be getting a little dramatic as it really wasn't too bad, but compared to Malachi and Xavier, this one has been on the "rougher" side. Exhausted, puking probably every other day and feeling oh so nauseous 24/7 - it's been lovely, to say the least. Thankfully, most of that has passed and I'm only feeling nauseous at night due to my ever so desirable pre-natal vitamins. Oh what a joy those are to take. I admit, some of that is mental, but most of it is all physical. Gross. Now that I'm feeling better, I'm not making any promises that my blogging will pick up once again, but I am going to make a valid effort. We'll see how that goes.
As I said this pregnancy has been completely different. Most people have said that it's probably because I'm having a girl (a girl? what in the world do I do with a baby girl?), but I think it's a boy (wishful thinking) annnnd am partially convinced that my sickness is due to the fact that I was pregnant not so long ago. That can happen...right? Anyway, we MIGHT be able to find out what we are having Monday, but seeing as I'll only be 15 weeks, it still might be just a little early. Either way, as long as this baby is good and healthy, I'll be happy. When we first found out I was pregnant I was convinced that I didn't want to find out what I was having until I popped that sucker out, but now I'm pretty sure I want to find out...partially because I think it will help me love this baby more. I know that sounds harsh, but honestly, I think I haven't allowed myself to enjoy this pregnancy in a lot of ways. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited and feel so incredibly blessed, but part of me (okay, a lot of my heart) is still at a distance. It sounds silly, but I'm trying to protect myself and not "love" this baby yet, which in all reality is quite ridiculous, I know. I mean, I talk myself through this almost daily and know how crazy it sounds because even if something happens, I know I'll be JUST as devistated. This is where I lack faith-where I really struggle. And yet, I say this and how I'm trying not to get attached yet, but we already have names picked. Let's just say this pregnancy has been hard. It has challenged me daily and definitely shown me where I lack strength. At around 9 weeks I had a major melt down. Well not "major", but I was freaking out. What if something happens, what if the same thing happens and I was honestly praying that if anything is wrong to just let me have a miscarriage. I was mentally prepared. In some ways I almost convinced myself I was having a miscarriage. It was horrid, really. I know, sad. Almost pathetic really. Thankfully Brian has had strength where I have lacked. He just simply said, "Lyndsey, we have been through the hardest thing of our lives already. We survived. There is literally NOTHING you can do but take care of yourself and trust in the Lord. If something happens again, we'll get through it, just like last time. You are not in this alone." Amen, right? After that I have literally been a million times better. I mean, that is NOT to say that I'm completely happy go lucky like I typically am, but he is right. I am not in control. I cannot do a single thing but take care of myself and pray. Lots and lots of praying. And I have come to the conclusion that thankfully, I don't have to be in control. I think I would be a lot more stressed if I was the one who had to do God's job. YIKES. Talk about epic fail.
Needless to say, this journey has been different and I'm sure as I get further along it will only get harder. I will not be at ease until I have this little baby in my arms and even then, are mothers really EVER completely at ease. I know I'm not, but I really do try. And I rest in the fact that one day, whenever that day may be, I will get to see Xavier again. Praise the Lord! Until then, I am going to try and enjoy this whole journey, the rest of this pregnancy and motherhood in general. After all, it really is the greatest gift and the most amazing adventure. Ups and downs, I'd do it all again.
