It will come eventually. I keep telling myself this. I am literally on my knees every morning and every night begging the Lord to make the pain go away. I am torn between wanting all the memories, the little moments that continue to haunt me nightly, to be ripped from my brain, and yet wanting to keep them forever so I never forget. Emotions are powerful and confusing. My heart is so heavy and full of anger and confusion, constantly hurting and yet at the same time I am so thankful. I am blessed beyond measure with amazing family and friends whose prayers and love have undoubtedly lifted me up daily, a little boy who lights up my world and a husband whose faith, strength and love is unwavering. His words put my pain at ease, his touch lets me know it's going to be okay. He holds me until my tears are dry and rubs my head until I am sound asleep. He never lets go of my hand. He prays for our little family the moment he wakes up and the instant he sees the tears well up in my eyes. With time the pain will ease, the images will start to fade but the love we have for our little boy will never dim. His little face I will never forget, his perfect little hands I will never let go of. I will hold him close to my heart with every breath. I will miss him every minute of every day and find peace in the knowledge that he is safely with my Lord in heaven. Brian reminds me that this life is but a moment and that one day we will get to spend eternity with him. Until then the tears will fall and the healing will continue. I miss him so much.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I love you Lyndsey, Brian and Kai . . .
ReplyDeleteI wish I could have your faith. I'm so glad to see you got to get some pictures of your sweet boy. It's beyond unfair and my heart hurts for you both. I don't even know how to pray, but I try anyway for some peace for you. xo
ReplyDeleteOh Lyndsey, I can't help but cry as I read this. I am so so sorry for your loss. Praying for all 3 of you daily.
ReplyDeleteGod has continually put you on my heart. I prayed for you first thing this morning before I ever got out of bed. I am so sorry for your loss and pray that God brings you healing and peace in his perfect timing. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4
ReplyDeleteLyndsey, I couldn't hold back my tears as I read this. You are so strong. Your words are so eloquent. Much love to you!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful post. Keep journaling-privately or here. It'll be amazing to look back and see how God gets you through. HE is an awesome Lord and has awesome plans for your family. What a sweet, sweet post about a perfect little baby :)
ReplyDeleteLyndsey, you are such an inspiration. As you feel your emotions, cry your tears, work through this pain...God is healing you. I totally understand the twain of emotions: the anger and confusion yet the sense of peace and gratitude. We are human and yet have faith because Jesus Christ came down from heaven to meet us where we are so that we could live in faith and wisdom in spite of our human limitations. Sending my love to you and praying for your continued faith and recovery. God never said this life would be easy, but He promised to stay with us and provide the strength we need to get through the trials. I can see just that through you and your family. xo
ReplyDeleteLyndsey, As I have seen your posts on facebook, I have thought about you and lifted you up in prayer. There are no words anyone can say to take away the heartfelt pain you are experiencing now but we can pray that God will hold you close in His arms and give you the strength to face each day. One of my favorite scriptures is Lamentations 3:22, 32-33. "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willing bring affliction or grief to anyone." My prayer for you is that you will feel the Lord's compassion on your right now as your work through the grief process.
ReplyDeleteLyndsey I read this with a very heavy heart! I can't imagine the heart ache this must be. I can't offer any advice as I have no idea where to start but stay strong and know he is being watched over until you meet again!! With deepest sympathy, Vanessa young Parlin
ReplyDeleteLynds...already God is at work, because despite your anger and pain, you've turned towards Him, not away. I have thanked God in my prayers for the way you are falling back on your faith in God, and how you are sharing that with so many people. In my darkest moments (and NOTHING I have ever been through even remotely compares to what you're experiencing), being on my knees, begging for mercy, was when I felt closest to God and felt my burdens were being lifted (Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall Psalm 55:22). I think about what Brian has told you...that life on earth is but a moment compared to eternity. It's hard to wrap our minds around this because it feels so distant, so far away. But it's a glimmer of hope to hold onto...to know that you will be able to hold Xavier again. One final thought to share - our worst day with God is far better than our best day without Him. Love you dearly...(carlaw)
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog after I found it on a friend of a friend's blog. I am so sorry about your loss. It is amazing how we can not even know someone, but our heart can still hurt for them in a time like this. I will be praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Remember the single set of foot tracks in the sand...it is times like this that God will carry us. -BD
ReplyDeleteGod gave you a perfect gift and although it makes no sense why he has taken him away your life is now forever changed..and you are blessed...every part of me aches for you..hugs big HUGS...time heals all things..Your faith is strong and you are surrounded by love. XXX OOO Coreen
ReplyDeleteLyndsey, I am so sorry you and your sweet little family is going through these difficult times. Your faith and strength will get you through this. Praying for you.
ReplyDeletePrayers continue everyday and night for your whole family. Time is your best friend in that your memories can be your best support, yet it can be very hard to suffer until you find the peace to move forward. God bless you with such supportive people who can help you transition...
ReplyDeleteBlessings always, Roxanne Wheeler
Beautiful words from a beautiful wife, mother and friend. One day, forever with Xavier. We will always remember his life! Love to you.
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